My cut-out-and-keep guide to Whether Or Not You Are Pretentious

Good afternoon, younguns.

Today I would like to talk about a fine line. This fine line is actually not so fine, because most people manage to see it and stay on the right side of it and not piss everyone off. Some people don't. Some people need it to be drawn on their faces with permanent marker (although would probably end up looking too meta for words).
I should mention that I am home alone, and it's raining with the strength of a thousand suns and there's thunder and all of it is going to my head and making me full of pent-up excitement. I want to go dancing. Someone take me dancing.

Anyway, this line is the fine line between artiness and douchiness. I have a checklist. See below:

You are a pretentious douchebag if: 

• You use other people's quotes inappropriately to make yourself seem wise. 
• Example: "Hope you're having a good weekend. Remember: nothing is without reason, not even nothing. Laters."
• You call yourself all sorts of things you are clearly not. Being a 'photographer' is the worst of this. If you are a photographer, that means that you photograph things as a profession. That is your job. If you occasionally take black-and-white photographs of food, you are not a photographer. 
• Example: "Oh yes, well I'm a journalist-artist-musician-photographer-juggler who works full-time at 7-Eleven." 
• You answer the question "what is your favourite book" with a literary tome that people have written 20000 volumes on and spent centuries analysing. 
• Side note to these people: I bet you a billion dollars that you prefer the Hunger Games to Plato's Republic in your spare time. Most people do. 
• You respond to any criticism by becoming a pseudo-psychologist.
• Example: "And here is my most modern work, 'Light bouncing off crushed coke can'. You don't like it? Hm, well I would say you are feeling neglected in your own life, vulnerable and likely to commit suicide by vacuum cleaner - my work is my expression, man, you didn't have to bring your negativity into it."
• You are Cole Sprouse (child-celebrity from "Sweet Life of Zack and Cody" turned self-obsessed poser). Look at his douchey tumblr here.  

There. That is my rant. Farewell!