The 10 People You Meet On The Tube (Bye Bye London)

1. The overweight middle-aged woman in work clothes who takes up both the armrests. She won't look at you or at all acknowledge your presence, only slowly force away your self-worth as she expands into your seat. You try to assert your dominance - bravely edging one elbow onto an inch of the armrest - but she's not having it. Her name tag, which probably says "Loretta, sales" might as well say "Annoy me and risk suffocation between my enormous bosoms".

2. The business man with hairy ears. I don't know what happens. Do they reach a certain status in society and their hair decides to migrate from head to ears? And nose? Sometimes desperately want to yell "WHY IS THERE HAIR IN YOUR EARS?!?! WHY?? WHAT PURPOSE DOES THAT SERVE???" but I can't because they look so damn cuddly.

3. The Camden. If their jeans are so tight they are slowly but surely losing circulation to their feet and they have a tattoo in a really distracting place, they will get on or off at Camden and sit across three seats listening to headphones and nodding emphatically to the music. I have only love for these people. No denying that I listen to wanky headphones with the best of them, and mine come in a case (oh lord) so I can zip and unzip them like the satisfied hipster I am at heart.

4. The occasional Very Attractive Person. We held eye contact for longer than the standard glance, therefore I am now entitled to spend the rest of the journey thinking of names for our children.

5. The person on the phone/talking to someone about something interesting. Make no mistake, I am listening to your conversation. Everyone on the tube is listening to your conversation. We are trapped in a small metal box hurtling through a wormhole underground and I'll be damned if I can't hear why Martha cheated on Ben with Rob.

6. The massive family. I have only sympathy for the woman attempting to drag 462 children through the stations at peak hour. Especially as children always want to lick things in the train, like the floor or the elderly.

7. The very posh people. Note: everyone in the world giggles inwardly if you say 'yars' instead of 'yes'.

8. The old lady who is actually kind of crazy. Oh you brought your knitting on the tube with you, that's sweet, you look around 150 but you're still smiling and that makes me happy. Ok, you haven't broken eye contact with me for about a minute now. Two minutes. This is going to be a long journey.

9. The tourists. I know, I know, technically I am one, but at least I don't say Li-cester Square.

10. The cynical teenager hovering by the doors, sweating in the peak hour stuffiness, trying not to fall over, reading and rereading the adverts above the seats ("If you're happy to go there, we're happy to insure you!") and secretly kind of enjoying the whole experience of travelling through the veins of such a vast and ever changing city.